Since posting this blog for everyone to see I have gotten an overwhelming amount of support and praise. I have however also gotten the question “why didn’t I just leave”? In simple I didn’t leave because I didn’t think that was an option. The amount of strength it takes to turn your back on everything you know and everything you have been raised since birth to believe is overwhelming and to put it simply I didn’t believe I had it in me.  In truth most of my moments of strength have been less about my strength to move forward and more about leaps of faith. I still remember more than 6 years ago my first real leap. Packing up my life of 20 years and moving out in the matter of 2 hours.

It all started valentines day 2012 when I sat across the table from a man who was slowly making me believe that love was real and not just something that only existed in fairy tales. He looked me in the eyes and asked “So your being abused aren’t you?”.  I remember being shook to my core. I had never uttered the words aloud to anyone not even myself. Later that night we stayed up late as I told him everything about the “rough housing”, cuddling, the naps, and even the photos I was forced to take. I expected him to be repulsed by what I had done, to end it there and walk away. To my surprise he did none of those things instead with tears in his eyes he held me and told me he cared for me enough to never have to worry about whether I was safe when I was home. The next thing I knew him and his best friend were in my childhood room packing me up and moving me out. It wasn’t my strength that got me out of that situation it was a leap of faith.

Months after I had moved out I met my father for lunch I came prepared with a well rehearsed speech. I was going to tell him why I moved out and how everything he put me through as a child was unacceptable. I was also going to tell him how I will never forgive him for making me pose for those photos and how much it hurt me that he put me through all of this. But when the time came for me to say all of this I couldn’t find the words. I stared across the table at the man who was supposed to be my protector in life too scared to speak. I listened as he lectured me about how much I had hurt my mother by leaving and how much of a disappointment I was.  As the end of the lunch neared I knew I didn’t have a lot of time left and there was so much I needed to say. With my boyfriends words of encouragement in my head the words I had practiced saying a thousand times came out in a tangled mess. I felt so proud of myself for finally confronting my father and calling him out for making me pose for him and everything else he had made me do. I thought for sure there was nothing my dad could say to defend himself and surely he would apologize for everything. But what came next I had no way of preparing for, my father looked me straight in the eyes and stated that he only took those photos to help me. He stated that he was my father and of course he didn’t find enjoyment out of them but he only did it because I wanted it. I left that lunch dazed and sick to my stomach with thoughts of self-doubt circling around in my head. What had I done to make him think I wanted it? Did I want it? Why would he say that?

It wasn’t till years later that I accepted the truth. There is not a god damn thing I did to deserve what happened to me. I did nothing to make that man think it was ok to make me pose naked for him. Lastly no father on this earth who could claim that they were only helping their 12-year-old daughter when asking her to pose like the pictures in playboy. The truth is no abuser is going to admit that they were wrong or take responsibility for their actions. That the closure I thought I was going to get when he apologized for what he did will never come. That doesn’t mean I will never get closure that just means it will look differently than what I once thought it would look like.

Closure for me now is forgiving myself. I will never forgive my father nor will he ever apologize for what he put me through but I can forgive myself. I can remind myself that I was a child and I did what I had to, to survive. I can no longer hold those actions against myself and instead put the blame on the person it should have always been on, my father. Lastly I can stop holding on to this secret because in the end the only person it protects is him.

As always thank you for all your love and support.