The bruises heal and the marks fade, but the scars on your soul will linger for years. If you have a broken arm everyone sees it and knows to be gentle with you but what about if you have a broken heart? No one can see the scars left behind by years of abuse, no one will understand why they need to be gentle with you and how their actions can hurt worse than if there wasn’t any invisible scars.

By finally sharing my story with someone that meant I was sharing my scars with them too. As my partner in life and by knowing my story he was now responsible for my past. Meaning by knowing my triggers it was his responsiblity to respect them. The first year was eye opeining for both of us as we learned how to deal with them and how to react to them.  I would startle easily, would hate to be pinned down or backed up to anything. I couldn’t handle being yelled at or cursed at. My biggest trigger of all was I couldn’t be touched if I didn’t expect it. I used to be so annoyed with myself and my reactions because logically I knew that my boyfriend was not my father and that I was safe. As the years went on my triggers slowly faded and I began to heal.

I went years with thinking I was ok, that I had healed myself and that I didn’t need any help. Because the physical reactions had faded. I was no longer easily startled and no longer afraid of being trapped. What I hadn’t realized was that all those emotional triggers were still there and still affecting my life. I just assumed that this was as good as my healing would get.

Years later after I finally started therapy I started to understand that I get triggered in my day to day and even in my relationship and that the “overreaction” to situations isnt my fault. I have learned to be patient with myself and not fustrated that I have things in my life that will trigger me. I have also learned how to recognize when I am being triggered and to communicate with my partner what is happening. Even though sometimes I can’t help my reaction, just knowing why I am reacting helps. No matter how healed I get sometimes for no reason at all and without any warning I’ll be triggred and it will be like i’m that scared little girl all over again. I don’t think I’ll ever know why sometimes when my boyfriend reaches for me in the middle of the night it’s completely fine and other nights it makes my stomach turn. But what I do know is that it is not my fault and I deserve better. Allow your self the right to react and be patient with yourself because you didn’t choose what happened to you.

As always thank you for the love and support